Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Unconsciously Seeking Solitue

If you leave me alone for a while, I usually manage to sort myself out pretty well. A night without sleep will, whether intended or no, give me the mental space I need to rebalance myself.

I spend my weekends right now reading on the couch, seeking out the quiet spaces, unconsciously seeking solitude.

I love that phrase: unconsciously seeking solitude. I don't know that I could create another string of words that would so define me.

When I am overwhelmed, I try to go back to my core. Touch base with me. But to do this, I need that quiet space.

I  need a quiet zone in which I am not required to act, in which I have time to contemplate the many thoughts in my mind. I'm an introvert. This is my reality. I love being this way, though my work and personal environments do not support this orientation at the moment, and I have not been standing up for myself as I ought...but as I struggle to do because of that very orientation.

When you place me in a group I kick into an unhealthy form of empathetic, sensitive overdrive. My needs slip away, move to the background, as I struggle through group dynamics. Leave me with others long enough and I will instinctively start to ape other people, mimic them in order to create a cohesive, non-confrontational group. When this happens, I suffer.

Right now, with so much external stimulation at work and in my personal life, I have hit a wall. Yesterday, so absorbed in this dynamic, I could not explain what I needed, except that I wanted to get away from everyone and everything. I hid on my breaks. I tried to close my door. I wanted to shut down, shut out, and shut up the world.

Heck, I still do.

So, I spent the night awake (whether I wanted to or no, such is the joy of insomnia) because I needed that space and time and quiet and cannot seem to get that in my life at the moment.

I need time to be free from group dynamics. I need space. I am too much outside myself. I have been pulled into an extrovert's environment and I do *not* thrive there. I die there. I need space. I need quiet. 

I need this to be me and only me and truly me.

Seekers go off by themselves, alone to the wilderness, and return with revelations. If you don't allow introverts to do this, you stunt not only that introvert but negatively impact the world as a whole.

Solitude matters. For me it's the difference between wholeness and desolation.

A bit of reading on introverts for those interested:

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